Things you shouldn’t do at work: (These are all true too!)

I realize that you all know that I have moved on but ...I still have one more list that is just as funny as the other list that I had to post... again, all true stories.

1. Tippy-toe running around the office announcing that you "have the trots from the sloppy joes you ate at lunch" and then eating sloppy joes again the next day for lunch ...and then dancing around the office announcing you have the trots again...oh yeah...and then offering to make chili at lunch for everyone the next day. Ugh!

2. Leaving graphic voice messages about "just how sick you are" (in raspy-ish voice, I’ve been up all night with terrible diarrhea and I’ve also been vomiting. It’s just coming out both ends, violently, so I’m going to take some immodium and stay home today”)

And then graphically detailing the sickness once you come back to work.
me: how are you feeling
her: oh my gosh. I mean, it’s was just coming out both ends. It was like a waterfall, and I was just like on the toilet all day. I knew I was in trouble when it just started coming out the consistency of water so I took like 6 immodiums and feel a little better today. Thanks for asking.

3. Making loud and obnoxious personal phone calls at least 5 times a day lasting at 20 minutes or more a piece. (ie. Have you ever been to Breckenridge? When we went to Breckenridge…. Breckenridge is the greatest. We did this when we went to Breckenridge.)

4. Pinching coworkers' love-handles, massaging the scalps and shoulders of other co-workers (as a surprise), butt pinching and repeatedly pulling up your shirt (revealing your belly) to show how much weight they lost. And then getting ticked off when someone touches you and loudly proclaiming "You just don’t touch people!"

5. Whispering so loudly that the whole office knows you have a URINARY TRACT INFECTION and then talking about it all throughout the day while drinking cranberry juice cocktail (from concentrate) in between your 12 cokes per day to help your infection.

6. Talking about how you “LOOOOOOVEEEEE going to your gynecologist because he just has the softest, gentlest touch.”

7. Announcing to the office all of the weird sex acts you and your spouse engaged in (especially when you are over 60).

8. Opening email attachments that play music SO LOUD you think it could wake the dead and then yelling "I never can figure out how to turn the volume down on these things."

9. Reading funny emails, forwarding them to you, telling you they were forwarded to you, then printing them out and coming to your desk, handing the email to you so that you can read it in front of them.

10. Constant spouse bashing when you get off of the phone with them...or 5 times a day. Actually, constant bashing of anyone, who calls for nearly any reason. (Can you believe they wanted to know the number to the cashier’s office!)

11. Reading the news out loud for everyone in the office to hear. Particularly, yesterday’s news, which everyone has already heard or read for themselves.